STATEMENT OF CHARLIE KENNEDY
All text in black highlighter has been redacted due to its classified nature.
FBI Agent McGillicuddy:
Describe your first encounter with the alien.
Charlie Kennedy:
I went to see the blues that even8ng because my girlfriend was in the band. She was on the horn. We were out on the ridge. I walked into the bar with a couple of my best friends. You know Chaz and Kaz.
I knew right away that what I saw, was an alien on the dance floor. He had a lit cigarette that wouldn’t stay in his mouth quite right. It wiggled around his lips. I realized then that this man wasn’t smoking at all (they don’t let you smoke in there). He just had that way about h8m. That little loop track way of looking at you. You could say he was dripping. Not melting, just drippier than usual. He had a wiggle in his walk. That is to say, he didn’t walk quite right. But nobody does anymore.
Being in the FBI, you know there was a certain social experiment in the 1990s where they took an innocent classroom and gave each child a pair of perfectly good dolls. They asked them to point to the part of their body they most adored. And you know which one they pointed to? It was the place right between the eye wrinkles, the center of it all, the mother of all storms. That’s where they requisitioned the pieces that they needed to make one whole.
Charlie Kennedy. That’s my name. Just like the dead guys.
Later, I saw him in the can. I said don’t use that urinal! The rabbit’s going to see your penis (there’s photos of red-eyed rabbits in every stall). Yes. He is definitely an alien. I always keep a test strip in my back pocket and I passed it to him while he was pissin’. But the thing was, he wasn’t pissin’. Man had nothing to worry about at all. Know why? Those rabbits couldn’t see shit. The benefit of not having a penis is that you can’t feel embarrassed about it when another man looks at it from the stall next to you. So I don’t think he was embarrassed one bit. He just looked at me with those sacred eyes and said, hello sweet friend, I see you, seeing me, while I pretend to pee.
And then he touched me. But good touch. And without using his hands. Woah. That was something special. He reached over and whispered, sweetest mejorest amigo. We don’t go back that far. But I like that your belt loop has three eyes. Does it help you see in the places where your star has no power? Super secret stuff they don’t want you to know.
And I said, thanks, but I only got two eyes on my face.
That was okay with him, but still he said, I’ll let you hold an extra one, just for tonight. He buttoned up his 50001s (these jeans don’t have zippers) and smiled at me real wide. He said, heyo friendo. You don’t remember your first warm bath. Now you do.
Tredecko 